Mommy Guilt

What have I done?!! Did I not just read this and post it? What happened to me?!! Help! I'm in the mommy-guilt vortex and I can't get out!  ARGH!!!! So, here's how (I think) it happened.

The author of the aforementioned post spoke of her childhood so naturally I began to reminisce about mine. I was raised by a single mom, and my mother worked multiple jobs to provide the basics. Thus, whenever there was any extra funds, my mother did something memorable. An example is when we took the train from Chicago to NYC for Christmas. I remember window shopping on 42nd Street, ice skating at the Rockefeller Center and seeing the Rockettes. I never forget how impressed I was when they brought the horses and their respective carriages on stage - it was magical indeed! That memory was recalled when my sweet friend took me to Radio City musical hall for Christmas (2013). This time the Rockettes did the Nativity Scene with camels and it was amazing! 

I do believe all children should have "magical" moments in their childhood. For one child it may be opening day at a baseball game, for another it may be seeing the Rockettes and for another it's spending the summer at the lake. All make for amazing and magical memories and if you really think about it, it's more about who you were with and how you felt rather than the specific item or thing. For me, sharing a train ride, walking the streets of NYC eating pizza and daydreaming with my mom was what I most remember (and the horses! don't forget the horses). It was those simple gestures that made it magical. When my amazing friend (30...cough...cough) years later revisited that memory for and with me, I couldn't stop crying. My heart was full and I was humbled.

After reading the aforementioned post I was trying to figure out, what happened to me?! When did my brain decide to disengage and determine that I had to go from mom to magician?! When did the gift of motherhood turn me into an entertainment provider? My own childhood was not bad. It had its share of magical moments, and while not elaborate it did not make them less wondersome (yes, I made up that word).  Everyone has some degree of "faulty thinking," and I was trying to determine what happened that I allowed myself to be turned into a magician rather than delight in the gift of being a mom. 

Growing up in the 70's/80's with a single parent, I thought if I had two things my world as I saw it would be complete. What were those two things? A house in the suburbs (blame Ward and June Cleaver for that one) and popularity (thank you John Hughes). I was never popular. I didn't attend ANY of my high school dances - the thought of going to a public dance put me into a panic (true story). I didn't fit into "any" of the standard school categories. I'd say I was more of a nerd, except I didn't engage in any scholastic debates, science fairs, etc. Picture a white wall in the halls of the HS -- that was me, except I'm brown. I don't recall anyone from High School. I graduated with a class of 300 students of which none know who I am. Needless to say my High School experience was uneventful and one where I spent most of the time daydreaming about a house in the suburbs and being popular because that, my friends, is what the culture sold me and I bought it hook, line and sinker (more like stinker).

Fast forward through college, career and into marriage. I scored that house in the suburbs and with it came the popularity, too. As my life unfolded living in the suburbs I felt like I was in High School all over again - it was a surreal feeling. The meet & greet at the parks, play dates, the MNO (Mom's Night Out), the jewelry/cooking/purse/you-name-it parties, and don't forget the elaborate birthday parties for 2, 3, 4, and 5 year olds! That's just the beginning...bring on the magic! 

I never quite understood party favors at these birthday parties. When I was growing up, you went to a party and you took a gift and you ate cake and it was fun!  A birthday party now involves an elaborate theme in which you have to send everyone home with a present in exchange for whatever that person gave your kid from the $1 section at Target.  Welcome to suburbia, suckerrrrrsss!  The pressure is on like Bing Bong, Jack; and heaven help you if you're that mom that doesn't play well with others. The competition is fierce, I tell ya.  As in all things, what goes up must come down.  I came down alright...at lightening speed. I was highly inexperienced (remember I was a wallflower in HS). The downward spiral began when my mother was diagnosed with cancer and just like in High School I became keenly aware who my friends were not [that's another blog for another day]. Suffice it to say that God was there for me when it happened. 

It really is impossible to explain the loss of a mom. This month marks year #7 since she's been gone and it feels like it happened yesterday. There are times when I am logical, I mean she is no longer suffering and that is good. Then there's times when I am a blubbering mess and don't know what to do with all of those emotions. I could hardly expect anyone else to know what to do with them either. It's even harder when my children do the things they do and I can't pick up the phone and call my mom and tell her so that she can laugh (or cry) with me. In quiet desperation, I say into the air, "Mom, did you see that?" It is because of this missing link that I have struggled with over-compensating, and the idea that I must make all things as "magical" as possible for my children.

Pour on the mommy guilt, and can I get that with a bar of chocolate and a side of wine? Thank you. Unbeknownst to me I am not only a dance mom, I've also joined the ranks of theater mom, GASP!!!  What did my "mommy guilt" get me into now? My oldest will be participating in CYT's Little Mermaid, Jr. I'll be her groupie, fashion designer, chauffeur, agent, you name it. Crazy, I know. I sat in the parent meeting, and as in all epic moments in my life, I could hear music. This time it was the Talking Heads singing -- "♫♪ letting the days go by, water flowing underground ♫♪...this is not my beautiful life! how did I get here?!" followed by "My God, what have I done?!!"  It's going to take a lot of chocolate to get me through the next ten weeks.  

Don't forget my tiny dancer; competitions are right around the corner, too. How did I get here?! I've always had a love of the arts and while I (clearly) have zero talent in this area, apparently my girls do. This makes me happy, albeit broke. I'm not gonna lie, I am enjoying seeing them perform and the women at CYT have been amazing and I am thankful for that. The question that continues to creep up is "to what end?" and that is where I am at today. All these activities are fun and like I said I enjoy living vicariously through them and then I have to get real. What is the purpose, why are we doing this? There's absolutely nothing wrong with these activities. Besides, it may be just be what one (or both) of my children need for this season of their lives; the problem is that I never bothered to ask.  

As a Christian I really do believe that everything needs to go before the Lord in prayer and I completely missed the boat (and train, and plane) instead I threw myself at situations that may or may not be what they need or what we need as a family, all in the name of conformity and fun. Thankfully, God in His sovereignty knew that the sequence of recent events is just what I needed to snap out of this mommy guilt syndrome. So what's next?  4-H Beginners Beekeeping class...will I ever learn?

♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸ Take me to the river...drop me in the water! ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪